Do you know how to talk with your partner about money?
Over the past couple weeks we’ve established talking about money and finances doesn’t come easily for most people. When it comes to our partner, I think many of us believe any conversation will be easier, because, well, that’s why they’re our partner!
But if you’ve been in a relationship for any period of time, you know sensitive topics don’t get easier to talk about just because you’re in a relationship. Actually they may be more difficult to discuss.
In fact, research consistently demonstrates money is a struggle for couples. Recent research indicates 64% of couples feel they may be financially incompatible (!!). Other studies have demonstrated money is one of the top topics discussed during marital conflict, and money/finances is one of the top reasons for divorce. Yikes!
When we started our journey to FI (financial independence) at the end 2018, we started with a deep dive into our financial picture, which prompted big life questions. As a result, we’ve had to “level up” our money conversations. We’ve learned a few things along our journey when it comes to talking about money.
Today we’re sharing several tips for how to talk with your partner about money, including conversation starter prompts. Because let’s be honest, the hardest part is getting started.
Tips to Talk About Money
Regardless of what relationship phase you are in with your partner, here are several tips on how to talk with your partner about money.
1. Acknowledge Money Talk is Uncomfortable
The first step to successfully talk with your partner about money is to acknowledge it doesn’t come easily for most of us, and understand why that is.
We shared three reasons why talking about money is uncomfortable, including the American cultural taboo (social no-no) around money conversations, the money stories/beliefs we each learn from a young age, and the lack of role models to teach us it’s okay and even healthy to talk openly about money.
It’s easier to talk with our partners about money when we call out the elephants in the room that subconsciously influence us to avoid this topic. Additionally, we can get curious about why talking about money makes us uncomfortable and why the elephants exist in the first place. Doing so allows us to write our own guidelines for money talk instead of letting cultural messages tell us what’s appropriate.
Conversation starter idea:
"Okay, this feels uncomfortable because we haven't been taught to talk about money, and no one around us ever has these conversations. But we know talking about money is important to us, and being on the same page is key in building our life together. So, we know it's going to be hard and awkward at first, but that's okay."
2. Take Small Steps
Does anyone else out there have a tendency to go from 0 to 100 when you find something you want to learn about or dig into? …Crickets. Just me?
Okay then, good talk.
When we decide to do something new or find something that is intriguing to us, we often assume our partner will match our curiosity or interest level on the topic. In reality though, typically that is not the case, especially if it’s out of the ordinary.
If talking about money is new territory, you can bet your partner is going to be thrown off if you bring it up out of the blue and expect to dive right in.
Realistically you’re going to run smack into the money barriers and your partner may shut down. Don’t go from 0 to 100. Take smaller steps.
Consider small steps you can take to introduce the topic. How can you zoom out a bit and provide context to your partner on why you want to talk about money?
Don’t be surprised if your partner needs some time to process the suggestion, and if they have questions about why it’s coming up in the first place. That’s okay. Be honest.
Conversation starter ideas:
"I've been thinking about what our future looks like. I know money isn't something we talk about much, and we've been pretty hands-off. We have some big life goals though, and understanding our financial picture might help us get to those goals faster. How would you feel about digging into and discussing our financials more frequently?
Or for a less established relationship:
"I know we're still getting to know one another. One thing that is important to me is being on the same page with my partner when it comes to money. Would you be willing to discuss how we each approach money?
3. Dig Into Resistance with Curiosity
Okay, so you took the first small step to invite conversation with your partner about money.
Now what?!
The next tip is extremely important, and probably the most difficult.
As you begin to talk with your partner about money you will both experience hesitance and even straight up resistance at times. You’ll both feel the knot in your stomach. Emotions will flare: anger, judgment, embarrassment, guilt, shame, discomfort, etc. Likely, when one partner’s emotions rise, the other person won’t understand why the conversation is suddenly on edge.
To successfully get through to the other side, dig in with curiosity. Doing so allows you to build emotional safety with your partner, and allows you to keep taking small steps forward in your money discussions.
Curiosity will likely not be your default in these situations. Because we are all human, judgement and/or accusation may be your first response. However, this is not the time to bring up your annoyances, like spending habits you don’t agree with or blanket statements like, “you always X.”
In these situations, likely money stories and beliefs are bring dredged to the surface. Since most of us aren’t consciously aware of our money stories and beliefs, it can be quite unsettling and upsetting. Approaching tense times with curiosity allows space for both partners to step back and examine why the feelings exist.
Let’s use an example. Partner A grew up in poverty and always worried about money growing up, and is introducing the idea of money conversations to Partner X. Meanwhile, Partner X never worried about money growing up, and always watched their family spend lavishly.
The money stories and beliefs each partner brings to the table will naturally create resistance and tension throughout the conversations. Each partner needs to dig in with curiosity and seek to understand, instead of allowing emotions to hijack the conversation.
Let’s be real here. This is going to take time and effort. You and your partner won’t always get it right, and that’s okay. Learning how to have these conversations is hard, but over time things will get easier. Practice makes progress, not perfect.
The cool part is through the process you’ll learn more than you ever thought possible about yourself and your partner!
Possible responses when you feel emotions and/or resistance building:
"Tell me more about that." "Why do you feel that way?" "Can you help me understand your thoughts on X?" "How are you feeling about X?" "I can tell we're both getting upset. Let's take a break and revisit the topic when we've both had more time to process."
4. Use a Values Exercise
A values exercise can be helpful to understand each person’s motivations, behaviors, perspectives, and well, what they value most in life. By zooming out to individually consider your top values, you can then share your values with your partner and vice versa. Maybe as a couple you have similar values, or maybe you don’t. There is no right or wrong answer. The purpose of a values exercise is to gain perspective on what’s most important to you and your partner.
You may wonder what this has to do with talking about money. Well, the beauty is this exercise actually has to do with everything, not just money!
When you understand what your partner values most, you gain insight into their behaviors, motivations, decision making, etc. You’ll see examples of where their values are reflected in all areas of life, including money.
We did a values exercise back in December 2022 by ranking our top five values. My top value was freedom, while his top value was learning. It was fascinating to see where we had overlap in our top values, including growth, adventure, autonomy, health, and learning.
We are fortunate money conversations came pretty naturally to us, and only snow balled once we discovered the FIRE movement. He didn’t have to do much to convince me to get onboard with digging into and taking control of our finances. All he had to do was tell me we might not to have to work much longer, and I was on board.
Why? Because my top value is freedom. And freedom to have the choice to work or not is the ultimate form of freedom and luxury to me.
A values exercise can be particularly helpful if you have trouble getting on the same page with your partner. The exercise allows you to further zoom out and get perspective on where each person is coming from.
What if, through this exercise, you discover you don’t have many shared values?
Well, it’s a telling data point. It may help explain why you are having trouble finding common ground with your partner when it comes to money, or other important areas in life. This may mean you and your partner have to consider more give and take when it comes to decisions about money, etc. so each person can feel comfortable with decisions and how to move forward.
This data point may also help take some of the emotion out of money conversations. It’s easier to reframe and discuss when each person can say, “I value X so this is why I want to do Y.”
If you want to do you own values exercise Brene Brown has a fabulous, free list of values on her website. That is the list we used, but you can use any list of values you want. Each partner should rate their top five values, and then discuss together. You could even take it a step further and create your top five values as a couple.
5. Make Money Conversations Normal & Fun
Our final tip for how to talk to your partner about money is to make it fun and normalize money talk.
It is possible to make money conversations fun? We think so!
In 2019 we decided to carve out time each month to review the past month’s financials, looking closely at expenses. I know, it sounds super nerdy and maybe even awful. And I’ll be honest…When he first suggested a monthly review, I was hesitant. It didn’t sound fun or interesting to me. But after our first review, I was totally in.
I realized freedom was on the line! The quicker we got control of our finances, the quicker I (we) didn’t have to work anymore!
The monthly review was dedicated time to look at our spending, and double check we were spending in alignment with our values. We automated tracking our expenses and income using Empower (formerly Personal Capital).
I actually started to look forward to our monthly reviews. The coolest and most encouraging part for me was watching our progress: our net worth grew, and our expenses decreased in categories we decided to cut back, such as restaurants and memberships. Meanwhile, our travel expenses stayed the same, or even increased. We both value adventure and new experiences, and we have no guilt or hesitation when it comes to travel related expenses.
How can you make it fun? Maybe you make dinner together or order take out, and discuss over a yummy meal. Maybe you pop a bottle of wine open with a meat and cheese board. Or, maybe you talk money over a lovely cup of coffee in your comfy clothes… That is typically our go-to.
Whatever appeals to you, just try it once and see how it goes. At first it may be awkward or uncomfortable, but that’s just because it’s new.
We bet you’ll discover talking about money with your partner is a good investment of time.
Take Control of Your Money Together
Okay, so you’ve got some tips on how to talk to your partner about money. Now comes the hard part… You have to actually start the conversation.
I know it’s scary. Expect it will be difficult. Expect you’ll both make mistakes. But keep trying, and use the tips we’ve shared especially when you hit road blocks. Remember, practice makes progress, not perfect.
The great news is though, taking control of your finances, individually or as a couple, is freeing. Over time you may feel your money is actually working for you, which is a beautiful thing!
And your money should be working for you. After all, money is a tool to give you more options to create your best life.
Who doesn’t want that?!
Are you intrigued by the idea of money conversations and how to have them? You may want to check out the Netflix series, podcast, and book I Will Teach You to be Rich, by Ramit Sethi.
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Great article! And I love the list of values from Brene Brown. My money conversations with my partner need to be “revamped” (how often, what we cover, how to make them more fun, etc.) and I definitely want to incorporate our values into the new conversations!
I’m glad you found the list of values from Brene Brown’s page helpful. The values exercise really can be helpful for so much more than money conversations, too!