Discussing finances and money doesn’t come naturally for most of us. Last week we shared insight into why talking about money is uncomfortable.
However, despite being labeled a “taboo” topic in American culture, talking about money is important. In fact, we believe normalizing money conversations is greatly beneficial and empowering.
Today I’m sharing my money experience growing up, and what I’ve learned by openly talking about money.
My Money Experience Growing Up
Through High School
Growing up my parents didn’t openly talk about money or finances. I indirectly came to understand we were on a tight budget when I went shopping with my mom for clothes, shoes, etc. each year before school started. My mom made comments like, “We can’t spend X on jeans when these are cheaper.”
I also indirectly learned that money had to be monitored. I’d ask her what she was doing, with the paper mail and the rectangular book, to which she replied, “I’m balancing the checkbook.”
Thankfully my parents directly encouraged saving money. I learned I had to generate my own money and savings if I wanted to do things, like drive around with friends, buy a prom dress, or pay entry fees at horse shows. How did I learn this? When I said I wanted something, or to do something with friends, my parents would ask me, “Who’s going to pay for that?”
If the answer wasn’t me, then it wasn’t going to happen. I learned to be self-sufficient with money at a fairly young age.
Luckily I started babysitting exclusively for a wealthy family when I was in middle school. They basically funded my entire extracurriculars through middle and high school, and even into college. It was a win for both parties because I loved watching their kids. My first “real” jobs started during high school summers when I worked at our local gas station, Hobby Lobby, and did barn work at the stable where I boarded my horse. Side note: Have you ever cleaned horse stalls and water buckets in the heat of the summer? It’ll definitely build character…
Prepping for College
When it came time to prepare for college, there was no question I was going. However, money was a huge concern.
I met with guidance counselors for lists of scholarships I could be eligible for. SO many essays for scholarship applications, in addition to college applications. I remember sitting down with my dad as he filled out the FAFSA to see what federal aid I could be eligible for. Again, the unspoken message was: “You’ve got to cover this yourself.”
To complicate matters, I saw my high school friends getting into more “desirable” schools, expensive schools, private schools, out of state schools. They weren’t feverishly applying for scholarships.
I knew their GPAs were similar to mine, the groups and activities we were all in, and how hard I worked for it all. No surprise I wanted the thrill of getting into any college I wanted without worrying about the financial aspect.
I was accepted into Berea College, which my parents were thrilled about because my tuition would be covered due to our financial situation. I had pretty much accepted I would attend Berea too… Besides the fact it wasn’t my first choice, I was devastated I couldn’t have a car on campus (the horror!), and I’d have to learn how to make baskets, or some other type of craft as my mandatory on-campus job…
My first choice was actually a small, private college in Lexington, KY, but very expensive. Where did I get this “idea?” Surely I was influenced by one of my best friends since kindergarten who was going there.
Side note: I believe it is impossible for high schoolers to know what they want to do, much less if and where they should go to college. My decision making skills at that point in my life were not based in reason, only on comparing what my closest friends were doing.
At the eleventh hour, a slew of scholarship and grant notifications came in. Through federal aid and scholarships, I had enough to cover most of the cost of the private college in Lexington. My parents agreed to cover the gap as long as I agreed to participate in the Federal Work Study Program, where I’d have a part-time job on campus. I agreed. This underdog had prevailed, despite the financial barriers.
Beyond College
After undergrad I moved back home. I continued working as a part-time bank teller, a flexible job that allowed me to come and go as I pleased throughout college weekends, breaks, summers, etc. and went to graduate school in the evenings.
It took me 7 months before I was hired in my first full-time, “big girl” job in Human Resources. I worked for a nonprofit, and was paid less than $30,000 per year, while still going to grad school full time.
I just kept saving money, and made sure when I moved out I could easily afford rent and utilities. By now I had a credit card, and thankfully my mom told me to always pay it off, and only buy what you could truly afford. This made sense to me. I learned about employee benefits in Human Resources, and quickly caught on that I should be contributing to the retirement plan to receive the company match.
When I look back on my money story and what I learned growing up, I’m really lucky I “fell into” smart decisions along the way. Most of the information I picked up came through observation, instead of anyone specifically teaching me about money and how to manage it.
I feel especially lucky considering I was constantly tempted and encouraged to spend more money than I had on shopping, eating out, and doing the things high school and college students do. Most others around me didn’t have to worry about money through college. The fact I attended an expensive, private college didn’t help my case. I was in the minority working a part-time, work-study job and having to cover my own expenses. I was in a constant state of comparing myself to others. Honestly it took many years for me to outgrow this comparison mindset.
I was also very lucky to find a partner, now husband, with a similar money experience growing up. We could identify and commiserate with each other’s experience, which created a safe environment to talk openly about money and finances.
Our experience talking openly about money only snow-balled once we discovered the FIRE (Financial Independence, Retire Early) movement. It was exhilarating to find a community of others passionate about using money simply as a tool, living intentionally, and talking openly about different strategies and ideas on how to do just that!
What I’ve Learned
As I explained in last week’s post, we all have money stories and beliefs, which are shaped through our direct and indirect experience with money. More often than not our money stories and beliefs are very complicated. Some may be true and serve us well, while other stories and beliefs may not be true and do us a disservice, and vice versa.
Here are some things I’ve learned by openly talking about money over the last few years. No surprise our involvement in the FIRE community has amplified our conversations, and helped us gain clarity on what money means to us, as well as revising our money stories and beliefs.
1. It’s Incredibly Freeing to Talk About Money
The first time you try to discuss money with others, you may feel as though you’re cautiously dipping your toe into cold water and then quickly running away to gauge the consequences. It feels uncomfortable, and you don’t know what to expect. Over time though, you adjust to the water temperature and you can stay in the “water.”
Once you acclimate and get past the discomfort, in our experience you suddenly realize it’s very freeing to talk about money. Curiosity ignites, and you learn different perspectives and ways to handle and manage your finances. You’ll truly wonder what the big deal was.
2. The Money Taboo Exists to Keep Us Stuck
Reality check: I’ve learned talking about money is not a big deal.
Our cultural taboo around money keeps us “stuck” and in the dark when it comes to our finances. And many businesses benefit and even have a vested interest (hah, a pun?) to maintain the lack of financial and money literacy in the general population.
This is going to come off as very anti-establishment, but A LOT of business benefit from the fact we don’t talk openly about money.
Consider banks, pay-day lending companies, financial advisors, investment firms, credit card companies, etc., etc. and the amount of money that is on the line when the general population doesn’t understand money. Think about the people who pay outrageous interest rates because they don’t pay off their full monthly credit card balance, the fees incurred from overdrawing a bank account, the fees charged to manage an investment account, and on and on… Where do those fees go? Yup, right into the pockets of these businesses.
Don’t get me wrong, there is a place for these types of organizations. But we wouldn’t need these types of organizations as much if we talked more openly about money and generally developed more agency over our finances.
Additionally, as this article points out, breaking down the money taboo will promote more pay equity and transparency. As a recovering HR professional, I observed first hand how companies benefit from the lack of pay transparency in our job markets. Dedicated HR and compensation professionals do exist to benchmark pay rates, benefits, etc. for jobs across industries. However, not all companies have the resources to staff robust HR and compensation experts to serve as gatekeepers for fair and competitive pay.
While some cities and states take more aggressive legislative measures to promote pay equity and transparency, our hesitation to talk about money and finances doesn’t help the situation.
And look, I’ve worked in HR so I know someone out there thinks… But my company tells employees they’ll get fired for talking about pay.
It is complicated. And, that is whole ‘nother can of worms. But I hear you.
The taboo exists for a reason, and it’s not easily changed.
3. Money is a Powerful Tool
At the end of the day, I’ve learned money is a powerful tool when used intentionally. This is especially true to improve the quality of your life. I’ve come to this conclusion through many different conversations with people, including single earners, high and low earners, dual income earners, with kids and without, etc.
We can all use money as a tool to have more control over our lives… To open up more options.
Think about situations where you’ve wanted to make a big change. Money is a tool you can use to your advantage to ensure you can take care of yourself when you need or want to make a big life change. Like, leaving a toxic job or relationship, moving out on your own for the first time, or moving to a new city.
Research indicates our finances impact our stress levels. I don’t think money is the key to happiness. However when we understand how to make our money work for us we can eliminate a potential major source of stress.
Lastly…
Despite what our culture may tell you, I’ve learned money is not an indicator of our value, importance, prestige, or power in the world.
I encourage you to examine your money stories and beliefs for these cultural undertones… They may be inadvertently sabotaging your relationship with money.
Okay, so you know my long and winding money experience, and what I’ve learned by openly talking about money.
I hope, if nothing else, this blog post has helped you consider your money stories and beliefs, as well why talking more openly about money can benefit you.
And if you want to talk more openly about money, a great place to start is with your partner. We offer insight into how to talk with your partner about money, here.
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